Of all the things you’ve lost, I miss your mind the most.

overboard

I got too tired a long time ago to keep looking up every quote I ever saw attributed to Sam Clemens.  The guy is misquoted more often than Yogi & Gandhi combined.  So let’s just agree that great truths transcend misquotes and get to the heart of the matter.

Dear tech journalists of Earth… have you lost your fucking minds? Wait, don’t check your micro-blogging account or your friend feed for the answer.  I can tell you right now that… yes… yes you have lost your fucking minds.

Now I’m the LAST person to expect glorified bloggers to adhere to the hard and fast rules of Journalistic integrity… especially when they are competing to be the first to post, first to know, first to crow, first to… whatever.  I can even forgive the total and complete lack of an editorial chain on most of the larger sites, but what I simply cannot abide is the slavering, child-like obsession for products/services/companies being covered in a supposedly ‘professional’ manner.

Again, let me not be unclear. It’s FINE to be a cheerleader for your favorite stuff in the world. That’s how it’s supposed to work.  But when you allow the limited niche culture of something along the lines of… say… the aforementioned ’status update gone wild’ to utterly consume you to the point that you no longer make sense IRL then… you get this.

Now if you are currently in the throes of a personality addiction like so many virtual souls swooshing through the intertubes daily then you will probably find this kind of information useful… but is it REALLY helpful in any way, to anyone… anywhere?  Not so much.  Apologies to the slab of circular vinyl I’m rending asunder but yes I DO understand that this is viewed as a relevant topic by many due to the ubiquitous inculcation of micro-blogging into social culture, on AND offline.  When you dream about re-tweeting your dreams then you’ve gone through the looking glass, down the rabbit hole and straight into the Mad Hatter’s front vest pocket.

I inquire of you now, tech journalists of planet Earth…. I beseech you…  HAVE YOU NO SENSE OF PROFESSIONAL CONDUCT?  Well?  DO YOU?

One of the favorite topics to banter about online currently is that of the long, slow, slide of the Mammoth Music Industry into the tar pits of  technological history.  Feel no pity for them.  They saw the pitfalls clearly and were first warned by smaller, smarter and more nimble creatures to stay away.  Then they even ignored the Sabre Tooth Tigers prowling the edge to get up close and stick a toe in.  Reap the whirlwind, bitches.  But which butterfly flapped its wing to get that whole chaos cluster-fuck started?  The Jobus A-la-cartus… that’s the little bugger.

You see… once upon a time… the Mammoth Music Industry was very, very, VERY smitten by this butterfly.  He alighted on their big, crusty ear and whispered sweet nothings of a digital future to them.  They were enchanted by his concept of moving out of the tar one little bit at a time.  The Mammoth had spent his whole life thrashing like mad whenever he got caught in a trap.  Why?  Because it was effective 99.9% of the time.  Would YOU want to fuck with a Thrashing Mammoth? (Great band name by the way.. you can have that one.  It’s on me.)  But this current wicket was far more sticky than those of the past.  The Mammoth was just beginning to realize how deep the tar pits were and now their whole FOOT was gummed up in this shit. They would be damned if they were gonna sink into this goopy mess they didn’t understand.  That’s where the Jobus A-la-cartus came in and really saved the day.. or so the Mammoth thought.  The friendly, little, turtlenecked, bespectacled bugger merely advised switching from the long honored way of removing oneself from a mess.  “Don’t do it 18.99 at a time.” the butterfly said..  “Do it .99 at a time!  See?  Your little toe is already looking more free!  Trust me dude.. this is gonna be great for both of us!”  Then the butterfly flew to a nearby branch and laughed his ass off at the stupid Mammoth.

How and why could/would a delicate little butterfly be so cruel you ask?  Well you see.. this particular butterfly prefers the flesh of Mammoths for sustenance and he had just ensured himself enough Mammoth meat to grow an entire Mammoth sized colony of Jobus A-la-cartus for generations.  Where all the other animals of the forest and/or jungle had failed in their attempt to take on the Mammoth, the butterfly just waited until the Mammoth got close enough to the edge and then tried to see the world from the Mammoth’s perspective.  Wait until it’s in a slightly panicked state and then make it an offer it thinks it can’t refuse.

But more importantly.. why oh WHY would the Mammoth not thrash at some point and at least fight back?  That one is easy.  It’s because the Mammoth is utterly transfixed by the soothing words, beautiful appearance and seemingly magical qualities of this particular species of insect.  This butterfly can do things that no butterfly could ever do before.  In fact the more Mammoth flesh the butterflies feed on the more cool features they seem to sprout.  The Mammoth was so taken by this that it just sat happily in the tar, sinking down further, all the while calling to the other large animals on the edge of the pit.. saying “Have you SEEN what these things can DO?  They have touch screens for god’s sake.. TOUCH SCREENS!”  All that time the butterfly was dining on its flesh, the Mammoth sung its praises and invited other animals to offer up their flesh to the beautifully cruel butterfly.  Many accepted that offer, and the butterfly colony became SO massive, SO dominant that other entire species sprang up around it, thriving off their excess of sweet flesh to dine on daily.  It’s really a beautiful thing, if you have a taste for Mammoth meat.

Currently the Mammoth still has its trunk and face above the surface of the tar but it’s an ugly, ugly site.  The butterflies have been feeding on Mammoth flesh for a while now and they are more beautiful than ever..  There’s no doubt about that.  They’re gorgeous, sexy, user friendly butterflies and they are pure fucking evil… IF you’re a Mammoth that is.  The real question is, what are they going to feed on when the big lug finally gives up the ghost?  The butterfly knows…  the butterfly grows.

Now consider the current state of tech journalism and ask yourself.  Who’s the Mammoth in this equation.. and who’s the butterfly?  If you allow yourself to be UTTERLY and completely seduced by something that you are supposed to have a professional separation from then you end up coming off like a gibbering baboon that’s just been handed a set of car keys.

I picked on the Crunchies specifically mostly because they (thankfully) have a pretty great sense of humor and are as self deprecating a bunch as you will find in this techno-journalistic circle jerk that’s owning so many eyes right now.  However when I saw Siegler’s post about the “Golden Ratio”, I almost dropped my dirty syringe into my bowl of oxys.  You just can’t let one service or even one BRAND of service rule your head so completely.  Yes, he has a totally legitimate point about who might or might not be better to follow but it’s the equivalent of writing an article about who it might make more sense to follow physically, on the street IRL.

“Look for people with a large, babbling crowd behind them…. as opposed to those trundling along at the back of the pack.”  /Palin wink.

Thanks for the tip, Em Geezy.  Now unsew your tongue from the back of Bizzy B’s y-fronts and get back to stuff like using “Bing” as a dirty verb and crushing on the Fail Whale.  We say this with love of course.  We just don’t want you to be led to the gallows by that cute little Bizzy B and step off a journalistic cliff b/c your head was in the clouds with your eyes adoring its anointed little innovative wings.  Also don’t get too seduced by that whole “Us online peeps don’t play by the same rules!” mantra that gets waved in the face of anyone who dares to demand some kind of accountability when it comes to the “online” word as opposed to the “traditional” word of a reporter.  That’s a bit like saying “Condoms don’t apply to me!  She told me her tubes were tied.  I’m good, baby.”  That feels great in the moment but a few years down the line you might look back and wish you had more staid, steady decorum.  As of late much of the tech related writing I see online reads more like a schoolgirl crush in full bloom.  Enthusiasm is key, but like Miles always said – it’s really more about the notes you DON’T play.

I’d hate to see the current crop of writers making their bones in this niche fall victim to the same fate as the Mammoth… simultaneously distracted and consumed by that which distracts you.

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You’re currently reading “Of all the things you’ve lost, I miss your mind the most.”, an entry on Chakfused

Published:
08.25.09 / 8pm
Category:
Journicide, Microblogging
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